


We Must Only Love in the Dark

by angelbot



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 15:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15799461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelbot/pseuds/angelbot
Summary: Shatterstar is used to being a weapon for someone else's cause, not to loving, so things become complicated when he and Rictor begin to inch closer together at a gay bar. Set during their teenage X-Force years.





	We Must Only Love in the Dark

Shatterstar has many firsts in his life that came about later than they would for most. His first time driving a car, his introduction to the mythic status of Santa Claus, and yes, his introduction to the concept of a gay bar. He remembers it clearly. 

He was being introduced to something else: Karoke. He was wrapping his head around the concept of people singing for their own entertainment and not Mojo’s, but this wasn’t too strange a concept. Everyone save him was vaguely tipsy, including Rictor, and ‘Star had a feeling it would only get worse. Cable would not be happy, but as Tabitha had said when she dragged all of them to the Karoke place, “that old man is always pissed for some reason, so why even try to please him?”

Shatterstar did not want to sing. He did not feel comfortable singing, especially in front of so many strangers. He’d loosen up eventually, but at the time he wouldn’t dream of any kind of performance that didn’t involve ritualistic combat.

Rictor seemed to hold a similar stance. “Listen, Tabs” he said to Tabitha, “You don’t want to hear me sing. I won’t put you through that.”

Tabitha shrugged it off. Meanwhile, Feral was attempting to get Shatterstar’s attention about something.

"Shattybunssss...why aren’t you drinking?” Feral said, significantly more inebriated already.

“Do not call me that,” was all Shatterstar said in response, looking straight ahead and trying his best to ignore her. Truthfully, the idea of dulling his perception and response time didn’t sound like a good idea. What if he had to kill someone?

Feral frowned, and opened her mouth to say something when Tabitha’s voice came on over the speakers.

“Ok, guys and gals,” she said, grinning. “This one’s for all those with... _ alternative lifestyles  _ here tonight.”

Shatterstar had no idea what that meant, but could see Rictor tense visibly at that mention. Did Mexicans lead an alternative lifestyle? Shatterstar knew customs varied by nation state, but couldn’t help but wonder if that was it. The way Tabitha said it, something about “alternative lifestyles” sounded taboo. Dirty, even. Shatterstar couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

And there was something else, something perhaps even more confusing and troubling. At the moment Rictor tensed, Shatterstar felt – an impulse. Suddenly, he wanted to go up to his friend and make sure he was alright. Do something to ease his nerves. But Rictor was not wounded in battle, far from it, so why did ‘Star feel the need to anything? His fellow members of the Cadre alliance had been in much more dire states of distress, and he never bat an eye.

‘Star felt uncomfortable. He was perceptive enough to realize, at least on some level, that this discomfort was a result of his own preconceived notions. But he did not want to explore them any farther. He was reminded too much of the incident with that woman, whose name he couldn’t remember, but whose feeling was embedded deep within him. He didn’t like thinking about this, so he decided to internally calculate how quickly he could kill everyone in the room. Except for his teammates, of course.

Meanwhile, Tabitha had began singing. It was something about...a gay bar? Shatterstar knew what a bar was, he was in one at the moment, but a  _ gay bar _ ? Shatterstar vaguely remembered the lyric “Don we now our gay apparel,” sang by his teammate Sam at one point. It didn’t seem to connect at all, though.

Tabitha was proposing starting a nuclear war in this gay bar, so perhaps it was some kind of armament or gladiatorial ring. Then again, Shatterstar had a tendency to want everything to be involved with something as familiar as a gladiatorial ring, so he quickly dismissed this. 

The song ended, and Shatterstar could tell Rictor was trying his hardest to appear nonchalant. As if he was under interrogation. But no one was even looking at him besides ‘Star.

As they walked back, Rictor trailed behind, looking surprisingly sober. Feral was, for once, not bothering Shatterstar, so he stopped walking and waited for Rictor to reach him.

“Hello, Rictor.”

“Hey,” came the response, although Rictor seemed preoccupied.

“I was hoping you could clarify something for me.”

“Look, ‘Star, I don’t know how many times I have to explain that having two huge swords in public is generally frowned upon, but –”

“Oh no. Not that. I was wondering if you could explain what a gay bar is.”

Ric stopped dead in his tracks. Quickly, he began walking again, quietly refusing to look Shatterstar in the eye.

“Oh, uh, it’s a bar. For gay people.”

"...what are gay people? Why do they need their own bar?”

“Well,” Rictor began, once again looking uncomfortable. “You know how...you know how you had a wife...to have babies with, right? And how you liked that girl way back at the bar?”

Now Shatterstar felt uncomfortable. This had to do with  _ feelings _ , didn’t it? He wouldn’t have asked had he known. But he nodded nonetheless.

"Well, uh, that’s the way things are for most people, I guess. A guy and a girl. But a gay person…it’s like, two guys. Or two girls. Basically.”

Shatterstar nodded. This was not as painful a conversation as he had anticipated, but Rictor looked very uncomfortable.

“Why do they need their own bars?” he asked again.

“Well, not everyone likes gay people...they, uh, they have to find their own places to be, you know?”

“Like mutants.”

“Yes. Like mutants.”

“Do you not like gay people, Rictor?”

Rictor looked incredibly confused and shocked at this. “What? Uh, no, they’re fine, I – wait, why would you think that?”

“You are visibly uncomfortable discussing this.”

Rictor opened his mouth to reply, and then closed it. Neither of them said anything to each other the entire way back.

Shatterstar was content to let the conversation go. After all, it made Rictor uncomfortable, and he didn’t want to do that. Rictor was his friend, and Shatterstar liked the feeling he got when he saw Rictor’s rare smiles. It was a feeling, yes, but a good one. He liked the sense of joy that came from it, the warm...something.

And after all, it was easy enough to go back to the way things had been. He played video games with Rictor, watched TV with him, listened to him explain things. Sometimes Shatterstar would ask Rictor to explain something he already knew. This was a waste of time and energy, but there was something about the way Rictor explained things that Shatterstar couldn’t help but like.

So he avoided the subject of gay people and their bars until it became unavoidable.

“Ok, here’s an interesting one,” Cable said as the team gathered around him. “There’s a couple of mutants being held captive...well, somewhere. We don’t have that intel, so we’ll need to send some of you undercover to figure out as much as you can. This is a long con, so I want everyone to remember the cover identities they’ve been assigned.”

They all nodded. James was placed in a high scale hotel some of the suspected culprits were known to frequent. Feral, a mutant circus act with ties to the criminal underworld. Shatterstar was relieved that he would be spending time away from her. And then.

“Rictor and Shatterstar, you two will be going as a couple at the Tango.”

Rictor gawked. “The gay bar? What? Why?”

Cable shrugged nonchalantly. “The two mutants were known to frequent there, so it may dig up some leads. From now on, you are Peter and Sebastian, and you’re madly in love. Got it?”

Rictor looked as though he was going to faint, but nodded anyway. Shatterstar had a sudden and unexpected urge to disembowel Cable, but it passed.

The rest of the team looked unphased. Shatterstar wasn’t sure what to make of it. He and Rictor were not a couple, but Feral was not a circus performer and James was not the heir to a construction empire.

Rictor did not discuss his assignment with Shatterstar. In fact, Shatterstar was pretty sure Rictor was avoiding him. This was a disappointment, and hurt more than he felt it should have, but it was no matter. They would fulfill their mission, and then they could go back to video games and explanations.

The day came. Rictor looked queasy, and Shatterstar put a hand on his shoulder to reassure him.

“I am not sure what it is that is concerning you this much,” he said. “But I want you to know that you are my friend, and that…I will be there for you.” The words had an unexpected gravity to them.

Rictor nodded and gulped. “Thanks, buddy, but...I’m not sure this is something we can fight our way out of.”

He then grabbed Shatterstar’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Shatterstar felt...something vaguely familiar, something that troubled him. He didn’t realize it, but to any passing observer, Shatterstar looked just as nervous as Rictor in that moment.

“Couples do this,” Rictor explained sheepishly. Shatterstar nodded. 

Shatterstar approached the bar with Rictor, whose palms were incredibly sweaty. Still, Shatterstar felt averse to letting go of his hand.

They were both wired. Domino was listening in on their conversations and recording them.

The bar was more festive than Shatterstar expected. For a group of people who were like mutants, the bar looked nothing like a paramilitary base or academy.

Rictor headed over to the bar and bought a drink. For the life of him, Shatterstar would never be able to recall what drink. He was focusing on other things.

The drink was gone as quickly as it came, gulped down by Rictor.

“Nervous, huh?” the bartender asked with a smirk.

Rictor nodded. “I uh, I’m not really out to anyone, so this is terrifying,” he said. Shatterstar had no idea that Rictor was such a good liar.

“Well, don’t worry. What happens at the Tango, stays at the Tango. Oh, and nice catch,” he added with a wink, gesturing towards ‘Star.

Rictor attempted a smile, and ordered another drink.

“Ric, stop drinking. Now.” came Domino’s voice in their ears. “You don’t want to lose your edge here.”

Rictor sighed. He and ‘Star paid and walked away from the bartender, Rictor visibly disappointed.

“Oh, shit,” came Domino’s voice again.

“What is it?” Rictor asked under his breath.

"Those two are looking at you too much. I think they might recognize you. Quick, kiss.”

“What?” Shatterstar hissed quietly.

“Public displays of affection make people uncomfortable. Do it, now.”

Shatterstar turned to Rictor, who looked scared. He didn’t want to think about Rictor being scared, or even see him scared anymore, so before he could even think about why he cared so damn much about his friend or why Ric looked so scared, he went through the motions of something he’d seen on television once. He grasped Rictor’s waist, pulled him close, and kissed him.

Although Shatterstar was actively trying to repress any and all emotion, he would later admit it was the most emotions he’d ever felt at once up to that point. So he focused on kissing Rictor. His friend. His best friend.

Rictor was kissing him back. Intensely, as though it was something he’d needed for all his life and never gotten. Each kiss seemed more desperate than the last, more hesitant to end, and Shatterstar suddenly understood the part in the  _ Pride and Prejudice  _ movie that had always baffled him – when it appeared as though Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth were dancing alone in a room full of people. For a brief moment, he and Rictor were alone in that room full of people. And it was intoxicating. Shatterstar never wanted to go back. What he wanted was Rictor, Rictor, Rictor. He couldn’t give a damn about the mutant cause or even the Mojoverse cause. No, for once in his life, Shatterstar was going to be selfish. He wasn’t going to be anyone else’s pawn, he was going to be Rictor’s, and Rictor would be his.

“I said you can stop now.” Domino’s voice shattered the moment.

Rictor nearly shoved him away. Gone was the warmth, that amazing feeling he’d barely even felt before that moment. Rictor looked terrified.

There was a pause. In that pause, Shatterstar’s mind raced. Had he miscalculated somehow? Did Rictor not feel what he had been feeling? What was he feeling? Could calculations even factor into what had just happened? Why was Rictor so scared?

The pause passed, and they looked away from each other.

There was a tension between them. Maybe it had always been there, and Shatterstar just hadn’t noticed, or perhaps not wanted to notice. But it would not go away, and all Shatterstar could think of were those fleeting moments. Shatterstar was changing somehow, he could feel it. For better or for worse, he could not tell. 

The search for information on the kidnapped mutants was a bust. Eventually, Feral would discover something, and they would rescue the two, shaken but not irreparably hurt.

But really, what stuck out in Shatterstar’s mind was the silence. He and Rictor went through the motions that night, but that was all it was: motions.

As they came back from an unsuccessful mission, Shatterstar fell back. He went to his room. He said nothing. And then, when he was sure he was alone, he began to sob.

Shatterstar had cried as a child, but quickly learned to either internalize the pain, or not show it to anyone. A weapon that showed any kind of weakness, any kind of pain, was that much less effective.

So Shatterstar cried his eyes out. He wished he’d never met Rictor, never come to earth, never been born, even. He couldn’t tell what he was feeling, not really, only that it was an incredible amount of distress, and that it made him feel like he never should have existed. 

Shatterstar heard a knock on the door. Immediately, he turned his back away from the door and assumed a training position.

“...’Star? You okay?”

“Yes, Rictor. I am fine, as you would say.”

“You don’t...sound fine.” Rictor was trying to get a look at Shatterstar’s face, and even though Shatterstar knew logically it was useless to try and escape that, he looked away.

“Holy shit. You’re crying. Oh god, I’m so sorry, I –”

“Rictor. Please stop.” Shatterstar looked down as Rictor froze, his hand outstretched. “I don’t know what I am...  _ feeling _ , but it is very painful, and you are only making it worse. Go. Now.”

Rictor paused, and then closed the door behind him as he stayed inside the room.

"Look, ‘Star, I really am sorry. I didn’t know you would...I mean…”

Shatterstar looked at Rictor in the eyes.

“Why, Julio?” he asked. “Why are you so afraid of me?”

“I’m – I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of everyone else.” 

Shatterstar must have looked confused, because Rictor sat down next to him and began, once again, to explain.

“Look, I don’t know how it worked for you on Mojoworld, but here on earth, people like – people like me, it’s not safe to be...open. I don’t even know if I can trust Tabby with this, and I’ve known her for years. Longer than I’ve known you. She’d – she’d look at me differently, think of me differently. I just know it. And I barely know Cable, he could kick me off the team, and then where would I go? Back to Guadalajara, where it’s even worse?” 

Rictor shook his head. “‘Star, everything you felt, everything you’re feeling...it’s the same for me.” 

And then it was Rictor’s turn to cry, and for all the anger and confusion that ‘Star had held against him, he couldn’t help but kiss him. He kissed his face, kissed the tears, because there was so much he didn’t understand, but there was something in him beyond understanding, something that made Shatterstar yearn for a feeling he’d never known he could experience. 

“We – we don’t have to tell them,” he told Rictor quietly. “We will find a way to have each other – and no one will know.”

“Did – did you just use a contraction?” Rictor said, smiling ever so slightly.

They were both crying as they held each other, and Shatterstar couldn’t help but be in awe of the immense suffering of humanity. A part of him knew this proposed secrecy was unsustainable, that if he kept at this there would be more and more suffering. And yet, there was a very human thing in him, a thing that told him he had to chase this. Maybe this would make him a less efficient weapon, but that didn’t matter. He would run faster, jump higher, be stronger – anything he needed to keep this feeling inside of him alive. Shatterstar didn’t want to be a weapon. He wanted to be a person.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
